Best insults ever

[Lord T Hawkeye]

Source can be anywhere, real life, fiction, you name it.  What are some of your favorite witty insults you've ever heard?  (goes without saying but strong language alert)

"I never forget a face but in your case I'd be glad to make an exception." - Groucho Marx

"If you were my husband, I would poison your coffee."
"Ma'm, if you were my wife, I would drink it." - Winston Churchill

"This video is dedicated to you anonymous forum poster because you are a cunt.
Who are you?  You are a cunt, yes you are.
You live in a cunty cottage and you drive a cunty car." - Yahtzee

"Sit your five dollar ass down before I make change!" - unknown movie

"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea and if this is tea, please bring me some coffee" - Abraham Lincoln

"If you were any dumber, I would move you into the sunlight and water you periodically"

"You couldn't figure out how to empty water out of your boot if it was written on the sole."

Anyone got any good ones?

[Ibrahim90]

Ihr Racker, wollt ihr ewig leben? (rascals, would you live forever?)

Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo/Aureli pathice et cinaede Furi/ qui me ex versiculis meis putastis/quod sunt molliculi, parum pudicum. (I will bugger you and face fuck you/ you bottom Pathicus and Catamite Furius/ for saying that my little verses/are soft and have no shame)

this one is a story, with a few insults in it. it is glorious:

[spoiler]a woman who was married to al-Hajjaj ibn Yusuf was combing her hair: she had grown to hate the man, who she saw as a raised-up hick. As she was combing, she sang: "if my child's a mule, it's because I married one, but if he's a horse, it's all his mother". Al-hajjaj heard her, and divorced her, giving her 200,000 dirhams (a silver coin) in alimony carried by a messenger. Pleased by the news, she handed the alimony over to the messenger, as a reward for his delivery of the great news. when the Caliph, Abd al-malik b. Marwan, heard this, he asked her her hand in marriage, impressed with her gall. She said "I'd say yes, but after having been fed from by a dog, it would be an insult to you", to which he replied "no worries, just wash yourself". To this she conceded, and said yes, but on two conditions:

1-Al-Hajjaj would hand her over in person on a fine horse
2-that he'd wear commoners clothing (he was the governor of Iraq)

Seeing no option but to obey the Caliph, Al-Hajjaj did as he was told. As they crossed the desert, she deliberately dropped a Dinar (a gold coin). At this, she asked Al-Hajjaj: "could you pick up the Dirham?". Al-Hajjaj searched, but could only find the Dinar, and handed it to her, saying that he saw no dirham. At this, she replied "Thank God he replaced a Dirham with a Dinar)
[/spoiler]

I walk into CSU's campus expecting a university, and find a construction site instead. Glad to know Mr. Frank has his priorities straight...

[MrBogosity]

Groucho was the king of them:

"I could dance with you 'til the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows 'til you come home."

"Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you."

"He may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."

Foghorn Leghorn had his moments, too.

"I need a pointer, and he's got just the head for it."

"Nice girl, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice."

"Boy's as sharp as a bowling ball."

My personal favorite was, "She reminds me of Paul Revere's ride--a little light in the belfry!"

[Travis Retriever]

http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_825_the-21-wittiest-comebacks-ever-to-end-argument/

http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-10-best-comebacks-of-all-time/

[MrBogosity]

http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_825_the-21-wittiest-comebacks-ever-to-end-argument/

The Groucho one is a misquote. He never said it.

(Fixed link. Yeah, it was the 11 kids one. It was a great line, though...)

[Travis Retriever]

The Groucho one is a misquote. He never said it.

There wasn't a Groucho one in that.  There was one in the other link.  You referring to the one about the woman with 11 kids? Shame, as that was my favorite.

[MrBogosity]

From IFLScience:

[Travis Retriever]

From IFLScience:

I was wondering where that came from.  I first saw it from a Courage Wolf Meme:

[Lord T Hawkeye]

ooh, Statler and Waldruf from the Muppets.  can't forget them.

"They call that one the medium sketch"
"The medium sketch?"
"Yeah, it wasn't rare and it certainly wasn't well done."

"I'm gonna go see my lawyer."
"What for?"
"I want to find out if you can sue for breach of taste."

"We'd love to see your act"
"In fact we'd hate to miss your act."
"In fact we'd love to hate your act."

"There's a lot to be said for this program."
"Too bad you can't say it on a family show."

"He's a real class act that...er...I really need to try to remember his name."
"Don't bother, after appearing on this show he'll probably change it."

"I think I need to see my doctor."
"Oh?  Why's that?"
"I'm starting to like this show."

[MrBogosity]

Ah yes, Statler and Waldorf!

"Ah, this show is good for what ails me."
"What ails you?"
"Insomnia."

"Hey, you old fool! You slept through the show."
"Who's a fool? You watched it."

[Talking about the next show]
"I already got tickets."
"You did? Are they good seats?"
"They sure are, they're for the next train out of town!"

"Just when you think this show is terrible, something wonderful happens."
"What?"
"It ends."

"I have a good mind to go home."
"If you had a good mind, you wouldn't be here in the first place."

"Do you think we'll be entertained tonight?"
"I know I will."
"Why?"
"I brought a book!"

"I've never seen anything like that before!"
"And, with any luck, we'll never see it again!"

[Dallas Wildman]

Hey Warren Buffet if you're so successful why the fu<k do I have to pay for YOUR healthcare?
Dirty old man

[Ibrahim90]

just found these insults again:

Al-asma'i (of favorite quotes fame), was off entertaining some nomads, when he noticed one of them was eating with so great a relish that grease dripped all over his arms and shins. wanting to poke fun at him publically, he improvised a verse:

you're like an athlah* in wetlands who was hit by a downpour after a spraying

at this, the nomad replied (also in verse):

as if you are a shit suspended up the arse of a ram while that ram is walking!

pissed off, al-asma'i asked: "so, you know poetry?"

the nomad replied: "how do I not know when I'm its mother and father?"

so al-asma'i, wanting to get back at him, replied: "I have a rhyme needing covered". at this, the nomad replied: "give me what you have.". Improvising, Al-asma'i looked for the hardest rhyme, and came up with the "booted waw" (basically, ending in the dipthong -aww), and said the following (the insults here are harder to catch):

people by a plateau we met up with them, God watered them from the dew (dew in this case in Arabic: "naww"

and continued: "do you know what dew?", the nomad replied:

[spoiler]

dew glittering in the darkness of a dark and black night if (if in Arabic= laww)

"if what?"

if a horseman marched through it to lay on the carpet of the Earth folded up (folded up= munTaww)

folded up what?

as a folded up wing and contracted guts, as a falcon pouncing from the air (air=jaww)

air what?

air of the sky and the wind lifting it up, smelled the scent of the Earth then climbed up (then climed up= fa3laww

climbed up what?

climbed up from his patience being tested, and so went to the people crying out (crying out= yan3aww)

crying out what?

crying out to the youth intent on death, having enough of what they encountered and are encountering (are encountering: yalqaww)

at this point, al-asma'i realized there was no point after this end, but wanting to burden him, continued:

encountering what?

if you don't understand this, you are to me an man who is an idiot** (idiot here=baww)

what is an idiot?

a "baww" is a skin that has been stuffed, oh *unsure what it means* of two horns get off me or (or=laww)

or what?

or I hit the head with a large flint, you say on being hit the sound of a ringing blow (sound of a ringing blow=qaww)

at this, Al-asma'i had to refrain, as he fear that if he asked "qaww what?" that he'd make good on his threat, and finish the poem successfully. at this, al-asma'i invited him home to share his dinner[/spoiler]

so they do, and spend the night there eating chicken. Now al-asma'i had four children (two sons, two daughters), and his wife who cooked five chickens. offering them up for the whole family, al-asma'i offered the nomad the honor of choosing how to share the dinner. At this, the nomad suggested this:

[spoiler]you and your wife a chicken, your two sons and a chicken, your two daughters a chicken. I get the last two.[/spoiler]

Al-asma'i objected, since it wasn't a particularly fair arrangement. at this, the nomad suggested--firmly this time:

[spoiler]very well: you and your wife each get half a chicken, whilst your daughters a wing each of a chicken, and your son a leg each of the same. I get the other three chickens.[/spoiler]

realizing the guy would just make it less and less equitable, he was forced to concede the share, and so entertained the nomad, having been owned in both poetry and in the art of hosting.


*http://www.mekshat.com/pix/upload/images35/mk23961_hpim4785.jpg
**baww literally means "young camel", or alternately refers to a young camel skin stuffed with hay to entice the she-camel who mothered it to watch after the hay, but can be used to refer to someone as an idiot as well.

[MrBogosity]

Doctor Who had some good ones over the years:

One:

"I can't decide whether you're a rogue, a half-wit, or both!"

[halfheartedly showing Steven around the TARDIS, without leaving his position at the console] "That is the dematerializing control, and that, over yonder, is the horizontal hold. Up there is the scanner; those are the doors; that is a chair with a panda on it. Sheer poetry, dear boy! Now please stop bothering me."

"Your infantile behavior... Is beyond a joke."

Two:

"You have more letters after your name than anyone I know, enough for two alphabets. How is it that you can still be a stupid, incorrigible, and thoroughly objectionable old idiot?"

[To Jamie, his kilted Scottish companion] "What are you smiling at you hairy-legged Highlander?"

[To a Sontaran who didn't get his joke] "Just as well; face like yours wasn't made for laughing."

Three:

"Well, I'll tell you something that should be of vital interest to you. That you, sir, are a NITWIT!"

"You ham-fisted bun vendor!"

"Allow me to congratulate you, sir. You have the most totally closed mind that I've ever encountered!"

Four:

"You're the classic example of the inverse ratio between the size of the mouth and the size of the brain.

"You know what I think?"
"Oh, that's a catch question! With a brain your size, you DON'T think, right?"

"The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common: instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views."

"You're a beautiful woman, probably."

"Oh. It's you again. Can't say I'm delighted. It's no use pretending."

"The trouble with Cybermen is they've got hydraulic muscles, and of course hydraulic brains to go with them."

Zygon: "You admire our technology, human?"
"Well, I'm NOT human, and I've seen better!"

"Rutan, that's the empty rhetoric of a defeated dictator, and I don't like your face either." [Note: Rutans are jellyfish-like aliens who don't have faces.]

"Who's the homicidal maniac?"

"Oh please, don't call me human. Just 'Doctor' would do very nicely, thank you."

"Do hurry up. A hamster with a blunt penknife would do it quicker."

[being tortured] "All right, all right! I confess! ... I confess you're a bigger idiot than I thought you were."

Five:

"Now listen to me, you young idiot; you're not so much gullible as you are idealistic."

[in the compartment of a commercial airliner] "Amazing! This thing is smaller on the inside than it is on the outside!" [playing off the TARDIS being bigger on the inside]

"I sometimes wonder why I like the people of this miserable planet so much."

"Oh, marvellous. You're going to kill me. What a finely tuned response to the situation."

[about Tegan, his Australian companion] "I got this one cheap because the walk's not quite right. And then there's the accent..."

Six:

"Small though it is, the human brain can be quite effective when working at full efficiency."

"Well, you certainly look better for your change of clothes and bath! You should try it more often."

Seven:

"Your species has the most amazing capacity for self-deception, matched only by its ingenuity when trying to destroy itself."

[interrupting and imitating Davros's Badass-Boast] "All-powerful! Crush the lesser races! Conquer the galaxy! UNIMAGINABLE POWER! UNLIMITED RICE PUDDING! ET CETERA! ET CETERA!"

"Among all the varied wonders of the universe, there's nothing so firmly clamped shut as the military mind."

"Subject for catalog: file under 'imagination, comma, lack of.'"

Eight:

"I love humans. Always seeing patterns in things that aren't there."

Nine:

"There's a scientific explanation for that: you're thick."

And basically, anything at all he ever said to Mickey, and half the things he said to Rose's mother.

Ten:

"Back to your mum. It's all waiting. Fish and chips, sausage and mash, beans on toast... No! Christmas! Turkey! Although, having met your mother, nutloaf would be more appropriate."

[the villain is about to kill his companion, Donna] "This prattling voice will cease forever!"
"Oh, that'll be the day."

Eleven:

"The trouble with Daleks is, they take so long to say anything. I'll probably die of boredom before they shoot me."

[again to the Daleks] "You're bluffing! There isn't a sincere bone in your body! There isn't a BONE in your body!"

And then, of course, there's all the Groucho-like insult-while-flirting with River Song, which usually ends:
River: I HATE you!
Eleven: No, you don't.

"Well, she's been brainwashed; it all makes sense to her. Plus, she's a woman." [yes, that was about River again]

"I want you to tell your men to run away. Those words: 'Run away.' I want you to be famous for those exact words. I want people to call you 'Colonel Run-Away.' I want children laughing outside your door because they've found the house of Colonel Run-Away. And when people come to you and ask if trying to get to me through the people I love is in any way a good idea...I want you to tell them your name."

Of course, it's rarely good when multiple Doctors get together:

Two: So you're the latest one, hmm?
Five: Yes, and the most agreeable.
Two: Ah... certainly the most impudent.
Three: Our dress sense certainly hasn't improved much, has it?
One: Neither has our manners.

Two: Goodbye... Fancypants!
Three: Scarecrow!

Ten: [off Eleven's much bigger sonic screwdriver] Compensating?
Eleven: What?
Ten: Regeneration, it's a lottery.

Of course, the companions got in a few good ones over the years:

Sarah Jane: [referring to Four] "He sometimes talks to himself, mostly because he's the only person who knows what he's talking about."

Five: "Statistically speaking, if you gave typewriters to a treeful of monkeys, they'd eventually produce the works of William Shakespeare. Of course, you and I both know that at the end of a millennium they'd still be tapping out gibberish."
Tegan: "And you'd be tapping it out right alongside them."

But nothing beats the trash-talk between the Daleks and the Cybermen:

[yt]ZN19oHTv_Vg[/yt]

[AnCap Dave]

I like Penn's good old fashioned, "Fuck you in the neck!"

[MrBogosity]

I like Penn's good old fashioned, "Fuck you in the neck!"

Or the even greater, "fucking cuntpickle!"